The Clairvoyant Zoopraxiscope

Conjugation: To Open Up a Can of Whoop Ass

I open up a can of whoop ass.
You open up a can of whoop ass.
He/she/it opens up a can of whoop ass.
We open up several respective cans of whoop ass.
You (pl.) open up several respective cans of whoop ass.
They open up several respective cans of whoop ass.

I wish I could say I was the kind of person who reads a newspaper every morning and has an unshakable grasp of world events. But instead, if I read the newspaper, I tend to search frantically for the items which would be specifically of interest to me--i.e., anecdotal stuff, anything that predicts the end of the Bush White House (or even seems to), stuff having to do with movies or those other art forms--and nose aside everything else. I wonder if I am alone in that habit...

Cracked myself up this morning when thinking about an acquaintance like so: "He's great. Not a thing wrong with him." What am I, a product inspector? Am I supposed to affix a sticker every time I find someone is up to code?